Humor

A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen.
"This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said.
"What do you mean?" the mother asked.
"You know. That part about 'deliver us from E-mail."
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Submitted by Pouderpuf
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A nun is waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and missed your flight to Chicago."
Submitted by Ray
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Church Bulletins

Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.
Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water," One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" -- come early and listen to our choir practice.
Submitted by Qiltmeister
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Thoughts...
A church is an excellent place to go for faithlifts.
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"Bible Story"
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Submitted by SandyD
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A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation. "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them. And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
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Did You Know?Life expectancy for weekly churchgoers is 82; for those who attend more than once a week, it's 83. Non-churchgoers live an average of 75 years. - USA Today
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Are You

Little Rodney, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Do you read your Bible every day?"

She nodded her head, "Yes."

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"

Communion

The church was celebrating Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.

"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"

A little boy put up his hand and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"

Giving back to community through faith, good deeds

The children of the Faithful and True Christian Center in Burtonsville understand what Christmas means to the community, and they didn't find out during story time.

In the church's business park location off Blackburn Road, there were no grinches or red-nosed reindeer, just dedicated kids stuffing stockings for less fortunate children from Country Place Apartments in Burtonsville.

"At any age, they can impact the community," said Kinta Jones, co-director of the church's Children's and Youth Ministry. "You don't have to be an adult."

Jones said at a time when people are focused on themselves, children can still learn about giving.
Raven Perry, 9, beamed about the handmade bookmarks she made for the visitors.

"It feels good because [giving back] helps people who don't have enough," said Perry, a Bowie resident. "I know it's important to help less fortunate people."

"It's about giving to others," said Aaron Carter, 8, of Beltsville.

The children had been up all morning, but remained enthused with the aid of breakfast and sweets. They were excited about the event long before, Jones said.

Not even the electronic allure of the Madden video game could keep 9-year-old Thomas Elliot from stuffing stockings.

"We can give things to [the less fortunate,]" said Elliot, also from Beltsville.

In addition to church members, Silver Spring business owners also pitched in: Leon Young of Fun Time Express, and William Braxton of W. R. Braxton Trash Service Inc. made donations.
Jones said community outreach is one of the church's goals. Finding a permanent home was another before last year.

Pastor A. Troy Harrison and his wife, Pastor Monica Harrison, founded the Faithful and True Christian Center in 1998. The first meeting took place at Argyle Middle School in Silver Spring with six members attending.

Then the Silver Spring school tour continued: Services were held at Westover, Georgian Forest and William T. Page elementary schools. But the idea of a permanent location for a multicultural church remained.

The church now occupies space in an expansive office complex. The office location may be fitting, since business has just begun for the Harrisons and the 82 church members; it's the first chapter of a large project, A. Troy Harrison said.

A TV program, a Christian academy and a housing development are some of the Harrisons' plans for the future. But to get there, A. Troy Harrison said it would take a substantial combination of sponsors and money.

"The heart of this ministry is greater than what we have [financially]," he said.

"We work within our means," Monica Harrison said. "Our mindset isn't that of a small church."
The church hosts activities including a quarterly Parents Day Out and an annual Valentine's Day Couples Dinner. Youth programs include "Fresh Fridays," where children can play games, listen to music and learn about the Bible every third Friday.

The Harrisons are looking at how other churches have flourished. Their church has received support from the Spirit of Faith Christian Center, A. Troy Harrison said. The center, founded in 1993, has locations in Brandywine, Ellicott City and Temple Hills.

"They're the church we look up to," Harrison said. "They're our pastors."